It feels like fairly recently I noticed my wordcount total on AO3 started with 1337. This amused me. I'm old enough to remember "leetspeak," and 1337 translates to "leet," short for "elite."

I didn't feel like I've written much since then, but my total now starts with 1367. That's 30,000 words!

I'm just piling up words one story at a time, maybe not feeling like any one story is incredibly huge or meaningful, but just adding to the store like a squirrel adds nuts to a tree to get ready for winter. And it feels good! I feel like that squirrel, industriously working away.

Why? Obviously I don't get any financial reward; this is fan fiction. I don't talk about it in my wider circles, so I'm not getting social validation for it either.

The connections with other fans I've found on Discord are fun and keep me energized and happy, but I'm not doing it for them.

I'm doing it because my consciousness is unique in all the world and throughout all of history, and after I die, no one will have access to my thoughts ever again. I am like a tiny crack in a wall, letting light through to the other side. So I want to let the light through. I want to share the stories that are meaningful to me while I have the chance.

I've also been thinking about death more and more as I age. My work life isn't that exciting; I'm not going to change the world or leave a meaningful legacy there. My children are their own people; it's not fair to load them down with the burden of serving as my "legacy," whatever that means.

No -- if I want to leave a mark on the world that will continue after I'm gone, I have to make it myself.

It turns out that smutty gay fanfic is the medium I've chosen, haha. I'm sure many people would call it a waste of time, but I like it and it makes me happy, so I don't care what anyone else might think. They have their own lives to instill with meaning; they can focus on themselves. I'll just keep on storing up nuts for winter.