Sky Psalm

[artemisdart]

Today is Ash Wednesday. If I'd remembered that last night was Mardi Gras, I would have done something beyond going to bed at 9:30. :-P

Another poem. I wrote this on the bus on the way home, from the last snatches of a dream this morning.


                                         Sky Psalm

                      You in sky                        
                                                             I saw,

           streaks of cirrus                                   
                                                             hair,

                       vertebrae                       
                                                             high & pale --

          my horizon pivot                                   
                                                             round the divot

  at your base of spine.                                          
                                                             Not mine

                          to hold,                   
                                                             not one
                                          
                   to stay, you                        
                                                             glanced

                             down                

                                            once,

                                                              then
 
                 cleanly blew                           
                                                              away

Comments

[echsdoc.livejournal.com]

Beautiful poetry, Catherine. Lovely, especially beautiful mood. (I am still deciding, though on pivot/divot.)

[catherinew.livejournal.com]

Funny, that's one part I don't like either. It seemed too facile. But you know those little dimples down at the bottom of the lower back? I don't know what else to call one of those.

[echsdoc.livejournal.com]

It is an interesting case. My first reaction was "too easy a rhyme, too intrusive." Then I thought about the divot, knew what you were talking about and really liked it. I still do. And when I read pivot as a bit of semantics, I like that as well. That is, I like what you are saying and the ideas and the rhythm. Except that "pivot round the divot" has a corny sound. I think now that the problem is more in the reader's ear than in the poem. (I also have an echo in my mind of the old rule "Replace your divot!), and that adds an imagery problem. Nah, don't change it.

[catherinew.livejournal.com]

Well, I probably can't change it, because my poems are tissue paper. :-P But I can keep it in mind for the next one.

I really wanted the left half of the poem to be its own thing, and the right half likewise, but I haven't pulled it off here. I like it anyway, though. :-) Thanks for your kind words!