post 793) from Xanga

[artemisdart]

I'm literally laughing out loud at the last article in this month's issue of "Smart Money..."

Life in the Cheap Lane
by Joe Queenan

In a sign that money-saving tips may be getting a bit out of hand, The Motley Fool now advises consumers to take up woodworking as a way to slash expenses. It also recommends eating before going to the movies (nothing hits the spot like chateaubriand with popcorn!), giving up cable TV (so long, clear reception!) and establishing a regular night to play board games with family and friends (who needs Spider-Man when we can play Chutes and Ladders with the Joneses?).

Simultaneously, The Washington Post bestowed penny-pincher awards on a woman who saves on laundry by bringing her underwear into the shower with her and a woman who physically transported one soft-drink can 4,800 miles from the nation's capital to her Hawaiian home so she could collect a 5-cent redemption fee that wasn't available in Washington. [...]

My problem isn't that these tips are impractical, humiliating or stupid. It's that they're picayune. In the end, none of them produces truly dramatic savings. To get serious about reducing expenses, consider the following foolproof suggestions:

Start freeloading. Fast for days until you are invited to a friend's house, then pig out. Use the kids to create diversions while you load other people's groceries into the van. Chow down at high school reunions held by institutions you didn't attend. [. . . ]

Shave your head. Save a fortune on shampoo. [. . .]

Wear other people's pants. Neighbors often have several pairs and probably won't notice if you filch the ugly plaid ones that have frayed in the seat. Try spilling grease or mysterious unguents on them so the neighbor won't want them back.

Make friends with people who have the same diseases as you. Then steal the medication from their bathroom cabinets.

Do not take up woodworking, whatever you do. Adzes and planes cost money. If you're shopping for an inexpensive hobby, try quoits, cribbage, boccie or premature burial.